I had my first delivery ever on Friday evening of shopping I’d ordered online.  Sam, knowing how I like to pick out my own groceries at the supermarket,  had more than an inkling not all would be well when the bags were delivered.  He was right.

I had made the mistake of not un-checking the box that said ‘will accept a substitute‘.  Straight away I could see lots of food that I had not ordered.  I looked at the 4 packs of quorn (4?), a chocolate gateaux (we don’t eat chocolate) and a packet of raw prawns and thought… wtfWas my picker illiterateWas this somebody else’s order?  Why have I received a gi-normous bag of chips that could feed a family of 12?

Sam beat a hasty retreat and left me complaining as I wiped all the cans down with some antiseptic wipes whilst grumbling  that  I could not wait to be able to pick my own food out again!  Of course I could go to the supermarket, but if I caught the plague I’d probably end up on a ventilator and so online shopping is going to have to do for now.

Those of you who are old enough might remember the song’Midnight at the Oasis’, sang by Maria Muldaur.  I’ve adulterated it a little bit and ended up with the following poem…

Online Shopping, by Stevie  Turner


Midnight at the keyboard

Send the kids to bed,

Competition on our faces,

Traces of frustration in our heads.


Heaven’s holding a half moon

Shining on a queue

Thirty thousand virtual people

With lots of shopping to do.


Website’s showing one spot

A delivery just for us

Let’s slip in a shopping list

Type real quick,

And kick up a little fluff.


Come on

Online shopping is our friend

It will point out the way

To fresh fruit, bakery and meat

What a bloody treat



Only one pack of bog roll

And no tins of baked beans

There’s pasta but not enough,

‘Cos hoarders have …

Cupboards of the stuff.


Come on

Online shopping is our friend

It will point out the way

To broccoli, tomatoes and greens

Pears and nectarines.

None left.



There’s a special offer on tofu,

Six cans for the price of two,

Nobody seems to want it

It’s like chewing on a shoe.


Come on

Online shopping is our friend

It will point out the way

To beef, pork and chicken drumsticks

Get in quick.

Too late…


Midnight at the keyboard

Now the kids are awake.

No more online shopping,

All I can buy are whopping

Packs of sweetcorn and tofu bake.