I had my first delivery ever on Friday evening of shopping I’d ordered online. Sam, knowing how I like to pick out my own groceries at the supermarket, had more than an inkling not all would be well when the bags were delivered. He was right.
I had made the mistake of not un-checking the box that said ‘will accept a substitute‘. Straight away I could see lots of food that I had not ordered. I looked at the 4 packs of quorn (4?), a chocolate gateaux (we don’t eat chocolate) and a packet of raw prawns and thought… wtf? Was my picker illiterate? Was this somebody else’s order? Why have I received a gi-normous bag of chips that could feed a family of 12?
Sam beat a hasty retreat and left me complaining as I wiped all the cans down with some antiseptic wipes whilst grumbling that I could not wait to be able to pick my own food out again! Of course I could go to the supermarket, but if I caught the plague I’d probably end up on a ventilator and so online shopping is going to have to do for now.
Those of you who are old enough might remember the song’Midnight at the Oasis’, sang by Maria Muldaur. I’ve adulterated it a little bit and ended up with the following poem…
Online Shopping, by Stevie Turner
Midnight at the keyboard
Send the kids to bed,
Competition on our faces,
Traces of frustration in our heads.
Heaven’s holding a half moon
Shining on a queue
Thirty thousand virtual people
With lots of shopping to do.
Website’s showing one spot
A delivery just for us
Let’s slip in a shopping list
Type real quick,
And kick up a little fluff.
Come on
Online shopping is our friend
It will point out the way
To fresh fruit, bakery and meat
What a bloody treat
Hooray.
Only one pack of bog roll
And no tins of baked beans
There’s pasta but not enough,
‘Cos hoarders have …
Cupboards of the stuff.
Come on
Online shopping is our friend
It will point out the way
To broccoli, tomatoes and greens
Pears and nectarines.
None left.
Dismay…
There’s a special offer on tofu,
Six cans for the price of two,
Nobody seems to want it
It’s like chewing on a shoe.
Come on
Online shopping is our friend
It will point out the way
To beef, pork and chicken drumsticks
Get in quick.
Too late…
Midnight at the keyboard
Now the kids are awake.
No more online shopping,
All I can buy are whopping
Packs of sweetcorn and tofu bake.
Stevie Turner 
Nice poem!! I am glad you are staying at home. At least you have chips, we have no snacks AT ALL 😭😭😭 I miss chips. Take care and sorry for an online shopping disaster. 😞✌❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Suzan. Stay safe.
LikeLike
Welcome, Stevie. You stay safe too❤✌😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oye! I never did get my onetime online order I spent 4 hours trying to place. Thanks for the reminder, I must check my account that they may have finally refunded me! I just suit up and brave the elements. Hope I can manage to do so. 🙂 x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Keep trying, Debby. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s variable, isn’t it! I’ve used Tesco and Waitrose in my time. Both are ok on the substitutions I’ve been given, but the quality of Waitrose fruit and veg was poor – the main reason I went back to Tesco. I have my next two weekly shops set up but can’t get anything else: they are only releasing one day at a time, at midnight. I was in the queue from 11.40 last night, got through at 00.01 to be told all slots had been taken! Might be relying on local volunteers by the end of the month! Enjoy your prawns and chips 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
All slots taken by one minute past midnight? Wow – people are getting wise to when the new slots are put on…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It rather looks that way! I need to speak to my GP about how I’m going to get my regular three-monthly injection and might ask if I can be put on the Shielded List 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
I loved your line [tofu] “like chewing on a shoe” Must tell that to my vegan son and daughter-in-law.
My slip up was worse than yours. Tesco only keep your slot open for 2 hours. If you don’t check out, even with an incomplete order, by then you lose it. I was not aware of that so when I went in to complete our order for today the slot was gone. I took your advice, Logged on at 00:05 Friday am and got a slot for April 21st. Checked out this time, and will log on to complete the order in a couple of weeks.
Meanwhile our local semi-independent (franchised) medium sized supermarket has volunteers who will deliver orders placed by phone or email for those of us “cocooning”. So we may not bother with Tesco.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad you got a slot, Frank. It’s all crazy…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh dear. I can´t find tofu anywhere and that´s what I eat. So we are all in the same boat. You may have to gift the chocolate gateaux. Another blogging friend got 10 pounds of shrimp. She just wanted one pound! We will all laugh about this later. Enjoy the Quorn. There is a lot you can do with it. xo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes I do use quorn, but that day I hadn’t ordered any, let alone 4 packs of it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh! you forgot to uncheck the box..!! 😁
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes I did. I’m a bit more clued up now!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah.. these little icons just happen to escape our line of sight so frequently.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I haven’t sat up to try to bag a delivery spot, but I have got up early to queue to get in after the NHS staff.
I managed to nab a delivery spot three weeks ago. My order was due for delivery last Wednesday and arrived on Thursday (with no prior warning of delay or new delivery estimate – which, when it did arrive on Thursday morning, was wrong anyway).
My only substitutes were sliced bread and pickled beetroot instead of raw (which isn’t much use for smoothies) but there were lots of things missing. On the plus side, I spent a lot less than expected.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Asda have now stopped us altering our orders until 2 days before delivery, I suppose to stop the website continually crashing with queues of 30,000 people. I’m desperate to un-check the ‘accept substitutes’ box!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Morrisons asked us not to alter our orders after 72 hours before delivery, but the facility to do so was still there. Are you physically unable to log in to your order now? Ticking the ‘no substitutes’ box isn’t actually changing your order, is it?
LikeLiked by 3 people
I can only change my order 2 days before delivery.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My first attempt arrives on Tuesday, I’m afraid to find what I might be eating! Love the poem 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
🤣
LikeLike
Good luck Richard! I gave the 4 packs of quorn and chocolate gateau back to the driver.
LikeLiked by 3 people
A friend of mine worked as a delivery driver for ASDA and he came to develop a very bad relationship with those packing the crates in the supermarket.
This relationship took a severe nosedive when they substituted sanitary towels for crème brûlée
Fortunately for my friend the lady of the house thought it was utterly hilarious.
LikeLiked by 5 people
That’s even better than the substitution I read about–instead of a number 5 birthday candle, a 3 and two 1s.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks for that, I genuinely did laugh out aloud 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Lol! I suppose they could save them for their 113th birthday?
LikeLiked by 3 people
They should. Then they could be passed down through the generations as treasured family memorabilia until no one has a clue what they’re doing with them.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Lol! Lol! Just goes to show these pickers must be cerebrally challenged! After all, why would I want 4 packs of quorn when I hadn’t even ordered one, or mince either?
LikeLiked by 4 people
A guy at the Morrison’s click & collect tells me the computer’s in charge. If you ask for trimmed leeks, they substitute trimmed spring onions because they have the same first word, although as he says, the person who wants the one will have no use for the other.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol. Yes, it seems that computers are in charge of nearly every part of our lives.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I remember that song well. “Midnight at the Oasis. Sing Your Camel to Bed.” I got a chuckle out of your version, Stevie.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks Pete.
LikeLiked by 1 person