Pete Springer’s comment on my recent blog regarding advice for a frustrated Quora author gave me an idea to write another blog on the topic of the first steps needed in order to become a celebrity. Newspapers are full of articles about celebrities, and to become one definitely helps to sell books. So here goes:

For Girls:

Send off a DVD of yourself (use a silly name like Skylar or Tuesday) singing a song that’s already been covered many times to a TV talent show. If you are chosen to appear on the programme, wear a dress with a neckline that dips to below your navel and a hemline that just about covers your pelvis. Totter about in 12 inch stilettos so that your calf muscles bulge with the trauma of trying to keep you upright. Grin inanely all the time (even when being interviewed), and toss your hair extensions from side while fluttering your fake eyelashes at the same time. If you win, cry real tears, scream a lot, and hug everybody around you.

If all this does not land you an agent, send a CD of yourself singing the song that won ‘The X Factor’ to multiple record companies. Wow them with a song they’ve heard at least 1,000 times before. Fly off to LA and totter down Hollywood Boulevard whilst wearing aforesaid stilettos and not much else. Keep your eyes peeled for A&R personnel. Apply to be a film extra. Once you have appeared in a b-movie, then it’s time to start writing your (soon to be bestselling) memoirs.

For Boys:

Send off a DVD of yourself (use a really masculine name like Rocky, Brad or Chuck) singing a song that’s already been covered many times to a TV talent show. Cultivate a six-pack and a peculiar hairstyle. Wear your trousers so low that the crutch hangs down in-between your knees. If you win, drink so much alcohol that you end up getting thrown out of a nightclub for bad behaviour. However, artfully keep an eye out for Press photographers even when your head is in the gutter. Don’t forget to sire 15 children by 15 different mothers on your way to the top, and deny everything when the broken hearted women you leave behind go to the newspapers to sell their stories.

If you can conjure up enough of a bad boy reputation, then you’re more than halfway to becoming a celebrity. Maybe you can join a boy band and fight the leader for supremacy. In this way you’ll get yourself in the limelight even more, and then you’ll be able to start writing your (soon to be bestselling) memoirs.

So you see boys and girls, it’s not at all difficult these days to become that celebrity you always wanted to be. You don’t need much talent at all. Furthermore, if you have trouble reading and spelling big words then I’ll be more than happy to type up your manuscript for a percentage of the royalties!