What Would I Say To My Younger Self?

Good one. I’d also say don’t be too trusting.  Live true to yourself, however hard it may be to achieve, and don’t take the easy option of sweeping it all under the carpet. Look on the bright side, and don’t complain…

Writer's Treasure Chest

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Dear AJ

In only a few short days it will be 2019 and I decided today, that it might be time to look back to your life and maybe help you out living it by sending you some advice. You’re 16 years old and I think it’s time you get some hints.

Just in case you think someone plays a trick on you, believe me, nobody does! Look at your desk. The lowest drawer, in the very back, there is a little envelope, glued to the bottom of the drawer. You remember you hid a love letter, a dried red rose and a silver necklace with a heart from your very first ‘boyfriend’ ever? How would I know about that if I wasn’t you? Let me tell you: one day you will regret the decision to throw that envelope away, after keeping it for more than 15 years. One day…

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Is Anything Really What it Seems?

Sam is a very practical down-to-earth guy, even more realistic than I am, and with everything in black and white…

As we were walking back through the gate to our holiday complex at the weekend after a stroll along the shoreline, we saw that a huge banner had appeared advertising the site’s new lodges.  With one of the lodges in the background, there at a table loaded with food on a pristine decking sat Mum, Dad, two children and two middle-agers, obviously the kids’ grandparents.  The sun shone, and all the family were smiling maniacally at the camera.

Sam took one look at it:

“You want to know the reality behind this?”

“Go on then.”  I replied.

“Well, the kids have had a lecture to sit still and shut up, but all they really want to do is leap up and run down to the beach.  The wife is pissed off because she’s been in the kitchen all morning preparing food when she wanted to be out on the decking with everyone else.  The old man wonders why her parents have had to come along again, and the grandparents can’t wait to get away from the noise of the kids and be on their own.”

Sam hadn’t spoken so many words for ages, and I looked at him in amazement and laughed.

“You’ve probably hit the nail on the head there!  Is anything really what it seems?”

“Nope.”  Sam shook his head.  “Nothing.”

So there you have it.  Sam’s a world-weary cynical old git, but I love him.

 

 

Clearing Your Plate

It’s funny how your upbringing, or the way you’ve raised your children, comes back to bite you sometimes, especially when it comes to food.

I was brought up never to worry about leaving food on my plate if I didn’t want it.  My mother Dot often went short of food as a child, and so made up for it by putting all manner of foods in front of me.  However, I was a strong-willed, fussy child and refused to eat much.  Sam as a boy had to empty every scrap of food from his plate even if he was full up, and had to sit at the table until all the food had been eaten (he soon learned to chuck it out of the window on the rare occasions when his mother wasn’t looking!).  This had an unfortunate drawback; Sam, his parents, and his sisters all became overweight, and it was only on leaving home that Sam could take control of his food intake and lose a few stones.  He also can never face Brussel sprouts again.

On the other hand, Dot had no qualms about throwing food away.  Out of the fridge would go anything uncooked from the week before, whereas Sam and his sisters had eaten everything in their household!  I followed Dot,  and to me it’s not the end of the world if somebody leaves food on their plate or throws something away out of the fridge.  So what?  Yeah, half the world is starving, but it’s not my fault just because I’ve left a roast potato on my plate.   I cannot eat if I’m full up, and so do not expect anybody else to either if they’re sitting at my table.

Our youngest son Marcus was a terribly fussy eater as a child, and always left food on his plate.  However, now he eats anything and everything and cannot bear to see food wasted.  If we go out to dinner at a restaurant and any of the family leaves food on their plates, he goes round the table and eats everything up!  He also makes sure that no food at his home is ever thrown away.  I suppose now he’s paying for his family’s food, he has a totally different viewpoint.

This trait came to the fore when we organised a party for his 30th birthday a couple of years’ ago in the village hall. There was food left over at the end of the evening, and Marc took it all home in a black sack, put it in his fridge, and carried on eating it until it was all gone, giving himself diarrhoea in the process due to a dodgy prawn vol-au-vent or twelve.   When he asked for my magic brown mixture two weeks’ later I nearly fell off my chair in surprise that he was still eating stuff from a fortnight before.

Perhaps my lackadaisical attitude towards left over food has caused Marc to rebel?  Sam hates to see anything thrown away too, and has even been known to get food out of the bin if I’ve chucked it out.   These days I usually make sure he’s not about if I want to clear out the fridge.  I cannot understand the obsession with eating everything up, as I wasn’t brought up that way.

I always remember the first dinner my mother-in-law cooked for me.  There was far too much food on the plate, and I left about a quarter of it.  I had an inkling that World War 3 was about to start by the thunderous look on her face, but I was full up and that was that.  Sam had been given enough food to feed 3 men, but still ploughed through it even though he hadn’t eaten big meals like that for several years.  Mother-in-law and I stared each other out, but I was resolute in my determination not to give in!

Did you have to eat everything on your plate as a child?  Even as a 5 year old, nobody could have made me eat what I didn’t want to.  To me, forcing a kid to eat against its will is tantamount to child cruelty.

Fortunately for the people I feed, I don’t see it as a rejection of me if they leave food or that they’re doing it on purpose because they don’t love me.  I’m sure they do, it’s probably just because they’re full up!

 

 

Stevie’s Review of Jack London’s ‘The People of the Abyss’.

I’ve been reading the most remarkable book, which was written in 1902 – just when my grandparents were being born.  The book is ‘The People of the Abyss’, by the celebrated American writer Jack London, who by the way was my grandfather’s favourite author.

http://bookShow.me/B00M5NHWBU

Jack earned his living as a writer, but during 1902 came to the East End of London, threw off his tailored clothes, and donned the garb of a penniless unemployed workman to see how the other half lived.  He passed himself off as a sailor on shore leave to explain his accent, and found himself a room so that every now and then he knew he’d get a good night’s sleep and a meal.  However, generally he lived on the streets and got to know many people (mostly men of course), who were trying to eke out a living.

I lived in Jack’s East End 60 years later, and reaped the benefits of the NHS, both parents’ gainful employment, and the backstop of the dole if they had lost their jobs.  However, it wasn’t until 1920 that the ‘dole’ system had been founded.  Previously unemployment benefit had been around since 1911, but only as a kind of insurance to people who were already employed.  Therefore, in 1902, if you didn’t work you didn’t eat.   

I know the streets that Jack tramped along with the poor underfed souls who had reached middle age and were finding it impossible to earn even a meagre wage, as they had discovered that employers seeking casual workers preferred younger and stronger men.   Whole families lived on the streets, being moved along by the police at night if they tried to sit down and sleep.  If  any men climbed over the park railings to sleep in peace on a park bench, it was 6 months in prison.  Some men I learned even killed their wives and children rather than have them waste away through malnutrition or be sent to the workhouse.

For those fortunate enough to have a roof over their heads, many people shared one room and overcrowding in filthy bug-ridden conditions was rife.  By the time I lived in Poplar, all the slums had been demolished and new housing was springing up.  For all I know the street I lived in could have been full of slum properties, but all that was left of them were the odd garden wall or pile of rubble.

Jack contrasted the poverty he experienced first hand with the ‘toffs’ in the West End.  As he walked through Theatreland he saw the pitiful sight of one elderly man hailing a cab for a ‘toff’ coming out of the theatre, in the hope of earning a penny.  Generous to a fault, Jack paid for food for many of the people he came across, watching in awe as they demolished three or four dinners at a time and saved every scrap of food they didn’t eat.  He watched the coronation of King Edward VII in all its richness and glory, while lamenting that just a few miles away people were dying through disease and lack of food and shelter.

He also writes of East Enders’ summer holidays, usually spent hop-picking in the fields of Kent.  Yes, my father’s family also did this and took me along with them, although due to my extreme youth I don’t remember any of it.

Thank goodness for the NHS and unemployment benefit.  Nowadays you have generations of some families ‘on the dole’ because they want the easy life and do not fancy going to work at all.  Perhaps they should have walked a mile in Jack’s broken down boots…

5 stars for a wonderful (if rather depressing) and compulsive read, written in a style that is not dated at all.

 

 

Five things a parent can do for a child to allow them to become a confident and engaging citizen.

Tags

parenting

I saw a good question worth answering on Quora recently:

As a parent, what are the five most important things you can do for your child at a young age that will allow for him/her to grow up and become a confident and engaging citizen?

1.  Show and tell your child that you love him/her:

This is the most important one of all.  Tell them you love them and don’t leave them short on cuddles, hugs and kisses.  Give lots of one-to-one time such as reading stories or playing games.  If a child does not feel wanted or loved, they may constantly seek attention or develop unsociable behaviour as a young child or promiscuity as a teenager.

2.  Reinforce routines and boundaries of behaviour to make them feel safe:

Another important thing is for a child not to grow up in a chaotic household. They need to know when it is bedtime and when mealtimes are, and what behaviour is acceptable.  If behavioural boundaries are overstepped, then a firm but fair punishment should be given so that the child knows not to do it again (care must be taken not to go overboard and break the child’s spirit).  Both parents should agree on how to discipline bad behaviour, otherwise the child soon learns to play one parent off against the other.

3.  Encourage any talents:

Show an interest in any talent they may possess, and encourage it – maybe even paying for extra lessons in the subject.  This is a good way to enhance a child’s self-confidence.

4.  Let the leash out:

Children learn from their mistakes.  Don’t mollycoddle them too much and give them a little bit of freedom appropriate to their age to explore their environment on their own and learn how to become street-wise.  Encourage them to get a paper round or a Saturday job when they’re old enough.  No child needs to be supervised 24/7.

5.  Reward good behaviour:

Make a star chart for young children, or give extra pocket money for older ones.  Show that you’re pleased if they help around the house.  Any good behaviour is worth rewarding!

 

 

 

Life and Death

Tags

buddhist teachings, death, Life, regrets

I find myself following  Buddhist teachings more and more as I grow older, and was lucky enough to read the Dalai Lama’s viewpoint on death recently (the featured photo is from the free site Pixabay).  The Dalai Lama had spoken to what looked to be 18 /19 year old students at his residence in Dharamsala in April this year about living a happy and meaningful life by helping others, and therefore being able to die with no regrets.   He told them that how they live their early lives affects them in old age, and for them to view death like ‘changing old clothes for new ones’, otherwise it becomes mysterious and dark.

Yes, nobody gets out of this life alive, that’s for certain.  It makes sense to me that happiness in our old age depends on how we have lived our lives previously.  Very few people think of illness, old age and death when they are young, and unfortunately many feel themselves to be immortal at least during teenage years and the early twenties, when they most often do things that might cause regret.

The students hung on to the Dalai Lama’s every word, but I wonder how many of them already had regrets?  It’s nigh impossible to put old heads on young shoulders and to live an exemplary life helping others, unless the young person has been fortunate to have had parents who are educated enough to pass on this wisdom before the child reaches maturity.

What kind of parents have murderers had?  A young man just in the news recently took a hammer to two women he did not know, just for the hell of it, and caused them critical injuries.  Can you imagine the regret and depression this could cause that man in later life if he ever acquires the insight and wisdom that often comes with ageing?

Is there anybody out there who doesn’t have regrets?  I suppose the best thing to do is to try and make amends for any mistakes made in the ignorance of youth.  It’s all we can do really, and then we have the satisfaction of knowing in our old age that we did the best we could.  I feel blessed to have been given a second chance at life, when in reality I probably should not have made it past 50.

In these last 10 years my life has gone through many changes.  Sam and I have helped each other to overcome our problems and move on in happiness, and by caring for my dying mother I learned much about the ageing process.  Without the 10 extra years I would have gone to my grave quite unhappy at my not-so-young body and the direction my life had taken.  I used to dread being post-menopausal, but now it doesn’t worry me in the slightest.  Even though I still suffer the after-effects of radiotherapy, as far as I know I’m still disease-free and every new day is a bonus for me.  We can’t have perfection, but hey… life is what you make it!

 

Patience is a Virtue

I was at the supermarket checkout this afternoon, and as I loaded my purchases into bags I could hear a bit of a commotion across the aisle at another checkout.  A young man did not have enough money to pay for his food.  The queue behind him was shifting about impatiently as he slowly decided which things he could do without.  What I took to be his support worker was helping him to decide, as he didn’t have much of a clue about prices.  He didn’t seem to be particularly bothered about the tutting and sighing emanating from behind.

This struck home with me, as I remember only too well being in a similar position when I had two young children and living on one wage.  I had one son bashing his head on the floor because he didn’t like shopping, and the other one screaming because feeding time had come and gone.   My face was as red as a beetroot as, stressed beyond belief,  I gave some things back to the checkout girl and hoped that the ground was going to swallow me up soon.

Oh the shame of it!

The chap I saw was not in the predicament I had been.  The woman with him was talking to him as though he was five years old, and so I came to the conclusion that perhaps he needed help to function in the big wide world.  Looking at the faces of the people in the queue behind him, it struck me how impatient some people can be when faced with this situation.

One of Sam’s sisters had learning difficulties, and over the years I saw how patient his family were with her.  It’s not until you have direct contact with somebody suffering from learning difficulties that you realise just how it impacts upon the main carer and the rest of the family, who gain patience they never knew they had.  Tina was a happy soul in her own little world, unaware of people’s attitudes and intolerance.  She died 10 years ago, but the family still talk of her with great fondness.  Tina never left home, but the chap in the supermarket was obviously trying to make it on his own.  It’s hard enough in this world without having learning difficulties,  so my heart goes out to him.

And while we’re on this subject, patience is also a virtue on the road.  White Van Man needs to learn some and stop trying to drive up my exhaust pipe…

 

 

Advice I Would Give to my Younger Self

This is a tad overdue, but thanks to Forgive Forget Focus for this blog prompt:

https://sunsetssunrise.wordpress.com/2018/06/01/5-advices-i-would-give-to-my-younger-self-tag-your-it/

Living for 60 years as I have has its advantages and disadvantages.  One of the advantages is that you understand human nature better.   I’ve listed a few things below that I should have told my younger self back in the 1970s when I was just starting out in life.  They are in no particular order.

1. Be very wary of teenage/twenty something boys full of testosterone.
2. Focus on a career that suits your talents and temperament.
3. Getting married is not the be all and end all.
4. Listen to your elders – they have already been there and done it.
5. If you are not sure whether to have a child, then don’t.
6. It’s okay to look out of the window and daydream sometimes.
7. If a partner does not treat you with love and respect, then get the hell out.
8. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up.  Enjoy your youth – it doesn’t last very long.
9. Learn to drive.  It will make you independent.
10. Put some money away each month for a deposit on your first house.
11. Don’t delay in seeking treatment for any health concerns.
12. Your parents are not as stupid as you think.
13. Don’t go out in the hot sun without sunscreen, otherwise when you get older you’ll look like a wrinkled prune.  Look after your skin!
14. People remember you by the way you make them feel.  Be kind and make them laugh and you’ll have lots of friends.
15. Look after your money and don’t live above your means.

 

Can you think of any more?

A Toothy Problem

Tags

dentists, teeth

Going back in time, dentists could give nervous patients a general anaesthetic, who would then drift off to sleep and wake up when all the nasty drilling and filling was over.  In the 1960s my mother-in-law would actually look forward to going to the dentist, who would always put her to sleep before he did any dental work.  She would wake up, pay, and after recovering would walk home not remembering one thing of what had gone on.

Fast forward and it’s now illegal in the UK for dentists to give patients a general anaesthetic.  I know, because I’ve been trying to find a suitable one due to the radiotherapy legacy of an over-sensitive mouth and throat causing me much distress (which we don’t need to go into in great detail) in my current dentist’s chair.

At last I found one by trawling the Internet.  They are not too far away and they give sedation; not a general anaesthetic, but an injection that leaves patients ‘relaxed and in a dream-like state’.  The anaesthetist actually works part-time in the same hospital that I do, and although it’s quite expensive and not through my current Denplan insurance, I jumped at the chance to actually have some work done which I had been putting off because I just couldn’t tolerate my current dentist doing it.

So yesterday I turned up at the new surgery, nervous as hell.  There they were, the dentist and anaesthetist, standing there waiting for my carcass like two circling vultures.  I was ushered onto the dreaded chair in a flash.  I tried to make some polite conversation as the cannula was inserted into the back of my hand, and asked whether I would be getting a shot of Midazolam.  The anaesthetist looked quite surprised, and replied that it was only a small dose of Midazolam but the main ingredient was Propofol as Midazolam caused too much drowsiness the next day.  I immediately thought of poor old Michael Jackson and his Propofol-induced sleeping regime, but decided not to comment on that.

Very soon I was pleasantly circling the airport and was aware that two teeth were being prepared for root canal treatment, but I didn’t care two hoots.  An hour passed in a flash, and I slowly woke up, amazed that it was all over.  The anaesthetist told me that I was so relaxed that he had to tell me to take some deep breaths at one point because my oxygen levels were decreasing, and I duly did so!  I have two more of these Mickey Finn’s to undergo, but am not dreading any more drilling.  Sam drove me home and I ate some dinner without all the usual nausea that accompanies an anaesthetic.

If I had stayed with the other dentist, I am sure I would have started to lose some teeth before too long.  Apparently my new dentist is the only one in the county that offers sedation.  Thank goodness I discovered the pair of them.  It ain’t cheap,  but as Sam says…I’m worth it!

 

Busting Out All Over

Tags

wedding dresses

Following on from yesterday’s post on the Royal Wedding, I’ve noticed over the years how wedding dresses have changed from modest creations such as the one I wore on my wedding day back in October 1980.  The top half of my dress finished at the neck, and there was not a heaving cleavage in sight (not that I’ve got one anyway, thankfully).  The dress itself has been sitting gathering dust in my loft for nearly 38 years and it’s a bit yellowed, but here it is:

The last time I wore this was when it was pristine white and I was 22.  It’s a bit sad to see it in this kind of ‘Miss Havisham’ state, but needs must for this blog…

Anyway, to get back to the point, nowadays I never see any wedding dresses that finish at the neck.  Quite a lot of today’s brides seem to have mounds of wobbling flesh busting out over ‘dresses’ with bodice tops that would be better served as an undergarment.  Is this kind of dress suitable for a church wedding, or am I just old-fashioned?  In some foreign countries I’ve been to, all shoulders must be covered if you enter a church.

I’ve seen people’s wedding photos where the bride and bridesmaids are all well-rounded (to put it mildly) and I’ve had to nod and smile and make the right comments while inwardly feeling quite revolted by the sight of all the flesh on display.  I would love to know what vicars think when they’re trying to do their job and there’s a pair of huge bazoomas in front of them!

The wedding dress I did like at the time was Kate Middleton’s, now the Duchess of Cambridge, whose modest V neckline and simple style was so elegant.  Meghan too had a very stunning dress, although as I said previously I didn’t think much of the ‘boat’ shaped neckline.

When did this horrible fashion for wedding dresses with no proper tops to them begin?  If you look at photos of Grace Kelly’s wedding dress in the 1950s or as I stated above – Kate Middleton’s more recently, there’s no dresses these days to compare with them.  I know they cost a fortune, but their style could be copied quite cheaply.  They both had lovely lacy sleeves, no bare shoulders, and they were MODEST!!  Everything was covered up, just as it should be.

What do you think?  Should wedding dresses reveal acres of female flesh, or should modesty prevail?