• Home
  • About Stevie Turner
  • Biblet Wall
  • Am I a Writer or an Author?

Stevie Turner

~ Realist, writer, reader and reviewer, and rocker.

Stevie Turner

Tag Archives: humour

Open Book Blog Hop – 2nd November

November 2, 2020

Hi all and welcome to this week’s Open Book Blog Hop. Today’s topic is given below: ‘Is humour an important …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

August is a Laugh a Day (nearly)!

August 1, 2020

There are 30 humorous books in my Book Funnel ‘Funny‘ promotion, which runs throughout August.  You can check out all …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Friday Review Share

January 24, 2020

Today it’s the turn of Friday Review Share in order to support Indie authors.  Please leave a link to a …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Satire, Sarcasm, and Funny Fiction

November 25, 2019

One of my books, ‘The Pilates Class’, is featured in BookFunnel’s  ‘Satire, Sarcasm and Funny Fiction‘ promotion organised by Holly …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Carrot Ranch Flash Fiction Challenge

May 14, 2019

Carrying on from my last blog, here’s a little ditty about ageing that I’ve written today for the 99 word …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Doing a Car Boot

March 22, 2017

My US friends might ask “What’s doing a car boot?” Well, it’s where you pack the boot of your car …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Free!

January 19, 2016

Just to let you know that my humorous novella ‘The Pilates Class’ will be free on Amazon from February 8th …

Continue reading →

Rate this:

My fifth novel ‘No Sex Please, I’m Menopausal!’ is published today.

July 12, 2014

Chapter 1

“Sorry, but it’s still the same as when I told you the last time and the time before that. It’s too painful, and I haven’t got a vagina anymore!” Lyn Fuller sighed as she removed her husband’s wandering hand. “Can’t you just accept it?”

From a clear vantage point between his wife’s legs, Neil Fuller let out an expletive as he risked a quick second glance:

“Yes you have, I can see one!” His finger pointed directly towards the object of the dispute.
“It’s for exit purposes only.”
“Shit.
“No, that’s the other end.”
“Well, can’t you stick something up there to help?” He took another glimpse; his erection deflating rapidly as he spoke.

“Wild yam is supposed to do the trick if you can’t take HRT.”
“Eh? You’ve got to stick a yam up there?” Neil looked quizzically at the size of the introitus on display, mentally comparing it to the dimensions of the root vegetable.
“Wild yam cream, dickhead.” She rolled her eyes.
“What good would that do?” He exhaled forcefully.
“I’ve o idea, but what else would you suggest?”
“How the fuck do I know? Ask the Quack for some bombers or something?”
“You mean pessaries?”
“Yeah.”

Lyn felt the mattress give a little creak of protestation as her husband flopped down onto the pillow:

“What am I supposed to do then? Tie a knot in it?”
“You know I don’t want to take HRT. Pessaries are also full of oestrogen, and you chucked away the KY, so if the wild yam cream’s no good then we’re stuffed.”
“Or not, as the case may be.” Neil had a sudden enlightening thought. “Marlon Brando used butter in ‘Last Tango in Paris.”
“Well I wouldn’t fancy spreading it on my bread after you’ve dipped your willy in it, and Maria Schneider shot him at the end anyway, so it didn’t do him any good in the long run.” Lyn closed her eyes and wished his obsession with sex would go away. “And no, you’re not sticking it in there either. Yeah, I saw that film too.”

She opened up one eye to watch as her husband turned over on his side, lifted himself up on one elbow, and reached over to turn off the lamp:

“We’re only in our fifties. Does that mean twenty or thirty years plus with no sex then?”
“There are other ways; you know that. It’s all about getting used to the new normal and accepting it.” Lyn shuffled over towards him and cuddled up to his warm back.
“I don’t want to get used to it.”
“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to. My body is fifty five years old. I’m not the nineteen year old I was when we first met.”
“You can say that again. You were as randy as a sack full of rabbits back then.” A small smile played on Neil’s lips in the darkness, as he enjoyed a brief wave of nostalgia.
“But now thanks to Mother Nature I have no oestrogen. No oestrogen equals no hormone fluctuations, no randy feelings, and unfortunately no vagina. I can’t even have an orgasm anymore; not that I’d want one now anyway. But there’s one good thing about it.”
“You don’t say.” Neil sniffed dismissively and pulled the duvet up around his ears.

Lyn snaked an arm around his waist and whispered into his ear: “I don’t get any periods.”
“Woop-de-doo-dah.”
“I thought you’d be pleased all the PMT has gone now.”
“I’m so pleased that I’m going to jump out of bed in a minute and do a little dance around the room.”
“Don’t think you’ve been spared either. You’re in the dangerous age for a man-o-pause. Everyone knows that. Men your age start to think they’re twenty again. They buy big motorbikes, get tattoos and earrings, and start chasing younger women.”
“Yeah? I can’t wait. When can I start? At least it sounds better than your hot flushes.”
“Hot flushes are not just a woman’s prerogative. I read about it; if a man has a low testosterone level he’ll get hot flushes as well. It’s just nature’s way of trying to bring the levels back up.”
“Low testosterone levels? I’ve got the stuff coming out of my fuckin’ ears!”

Turning away from him with another sigh, Lyn closed her eyes again and looked forward to the blessed relief of sleep:
“We’ll be ok. Millions of other middle aged couples have to go through this. Why should we be any different?”
“Millions of women take HRT.”
“It only delays menopausal symptoms; it doesn’t stop them, and with Mum and Carrie both dead at 52, please don’t expect me to take it.”
“If you were going to get breast cancer, you’d have got it by now.”
“Not necessarily, and I don’t want to help it along either by taking hormones.”

She felt disappointed at her husband’s lack of understanding:
“I love you. Don’t let this problem come between us.”
“It doesn’t sound as though I’m going to come at all.”
“Oh, for God’s sake! It’s all right for you; your body still works as it should! Not only do I now have no vagina, I’m also suffering with those hot flushes you so kindly mentioned, and achy joints.”
“Your choice.”
“I don’t have any say in it. Welcome to my world.” Lyn buried herself under the duvet, incensed that the irritation she felt for her husband at that moment would probably keep her awake for the next few hours.

As the sound of snoring permeated the room a light bulb came on in her brain, causing her to sit up in bed with the consequence of her new-found realisation:
Of course! Now she knew the reason why some men seemed to have mid-life crises in their fifties and dump their ageing wives for younger women! These terrible temptresses obviously all possessed one thing…………a wonderfully oiled and functioning vagina that was not all dried up!

Continue reading →

Rate this:

Follow Stevie Turner on WordPress.com

GDPR consent

https://mailchi.mp/33d69b5d79a7/collecting-consent

Check Out my Proofreading Service for Authors

Subscribe to my Feedburner

Subscribe in a reader

ALL ABOUT STEVIE

Stevie Turner

Stevie Turner

British author of suspense, paranormal, and women's fiction novels about the darker aspect of relationships, but adding in a little bit of humour as well to sweeten the pill...

Personal Links

  • Stevie Turner's Website
  • Stevie Turner, Indie Author.
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest.
  • Lit World Interviews
  • Amazon Author Page
  • About Me

Verified Services

View Full Profile →

Stevie’s Books

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 4,716 other followers

Over 1000 people follow my blog!

Follow me on Goodreads

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

Follow Stevie

  • Amazon
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Goodreads
  • Telegram

Stevie Turner, Indie Author

Stevie Turner is an award-winning British author who writes about the darker side of relationships, sometimes with humour.

New Apple Book Award Winner 2014

Depth of Field Silver Award 2017

Depth of Field Film Festival Silver Award

Click on the Readers’ Favorite Gold Award to find my website.

My Book is Buzzworthy at ChapterBuzz!

Sharing, Inspiring, & Promoting Bloggers

Categories

Google Translate

Stevie Turner, Indie Author Archives

My Most Popular Posts

  • Share Your Short Story - January 2018
    Share Your Short Story - January 2018
  • Don't Sign!
    Don't Sign!
  • Am I a Writer or an Author?
    Am I a Writer or an Author?
  • SHARE YOUR SHORT STORY - FEBRUARY
    SHARE YOUR SHORT STORY - FEBRUARY
  • Writing Blogs About Writing
    Writing Blogs About Writing
  • A Poem for You
    A Poem for You
  • Stevie interviews Chris, the Story Reading Ape
    Stevie interviews Chris, the Story Reading Ape
  • Share Your Short Story - May 2018
    Share Your Short Story - May 2018
  • Engaging With Readers
    Engaging With Readers
  • Share Your Short Story - September
    Share Your Short Story - September

Copyright

© Stevie Turner 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stevie Turner, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Recent Comments

Stevie Turner on Open Book Blog Hop – 4th…
Stevie Turner on Freeloading
dgkaye on Freeloading
Leon Stevens on Open Book Blog Hop – 4th…
Stevie Turner on Author of a self-published boo…

Blog Stats

  • 94,535 hits

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Cancel
Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy