An excellent post by ChristyB regarding whether parents should tell their children about traumatic family events, gave me food for thought:
My grounding in reality started around the age of three and a half or four, when my mother Dot informed me that there was no Santa Claus, it was friends and family who left presents under the Christmas tree. Armed with this important information I attempted to tell my peers at nursery school, but none of them believed me!
Another event was being part of a family gathering around my grandfather’s bed to say goodbye when I was about eight years old. Granddad was dying, and I remember each rasping breath he took. Dot then took me to another room and told me that everybody dies, and that death is part of life. As a child back in the 1920s she had been led by her own mother to say goodbye to her 5 year old friend who had died of TB. She had entered her friend’s house to find her laid out in her coffin in her best party dress…
As I grew I was allowed to read newspapers and ask any questions about what I was reading, and they were always answered truthfully. I was never mollycoddled or shielded from anything, and I’m very thankful for it. My parents never lied to me, fudged the truth, or deliberately kept me uninformed. Mum told me the minute she knew my father had life threatening cancer, and that he only had few months to live. Admittedly I was 18 at the time, but I always knew just as much as she did about his condition.
Compare this to the way my granddaughters are brought up. They are 13 and 11, and I must never mention the fact to them that I have had cancer. They look at the scar on my neck and ask why I’ve got it. I have to lie to them and I hate it. Also they still do not know that a fire took all their possessions a few years’ back. They must have wondered why they woke up in a different house! The 11 year old still believes in Santa Claus. She’s going to be very disappointed before too long, and surely must wonder why her parents lied to her about him ? Dear oh dear oh dear…
Were you shielded from the truth as a child or were you told everything? I’d be interested to read your comments.
drkottaway said:
My son is five years older than his sister. We were very straight with them growing up but I like the Santa tradition: the person who knows exactly what you want the most. When my daughter was 4, my son asked what would happen if she was told Santa was not real. I replied, “I think it might affect how much chocolate Santa puts in your stocking.” He grinned and said, “You probably don’t need to worry.”
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Stevie Turner said:
Ha ha, a good way of getting him to keep the secret!
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drkottaway said:
He is very sharp….
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Christy B said:
I am so moved that the original post brought about this inspiration, Stevie. The Santa Clause fib is one that many parents wrestle with… but the imagination is a beautiful thing and I am glad my own parents kept up the tale until I was old enough to know that jolly man was only a legend xo
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Stevie Turner said:
Do kids wonder why their parents had lied to them though?
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Jennie said:
I think you have to know your audience. Some children do well with hearing everything straight out. Others may need more explaining or a little more time. As a preschool teacher I can tell those who would/do fall apart and those who welcome hearing things straight out.
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Stevie Turner said:
Maybe it’s best for them to hear the truth from their parents, who can be there to comfort them when they fall apart. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think teachers are allowed to cuddle distressed children, so you’ve got to walk a fine line really.
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Jennie said:
Good point, Stevie. Teachers of preschoolers are allowed to cuddle stressed children. Can you imagine how scary it would be for a child otherwise?
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Stevie Turner said:
Ah, that’s good.
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Jennie said:
🙂
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tidalscribe said:
Over protected for sure- very frustrating for grandparents!
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Stevie Turner said:
Especially this one…
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dgkaye said:
I saw we were well informed children in different ways. You had a mum who told you the truth and didn’t hide anything. I had a mom who never told me anything, everything was a bloody secret and/or lie. My investigative listening skills kicked in very young, going back to age 3 in memory. Nothing got past me. I crouched on stairways and hid behind walls to listen for clues to figure out what was going on on a daily basis. Made for some good investigative skills, lol. 🙂
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Stevie Turner said:
Ha ha, I’m good at that too though!
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dgkaye said:
No doubt! 🙂
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AEM said:
Yeah, I tell my kids the truth. My husband and I fight in front of our kids, and we make up (to an extent) in front of them, too. I’ve learned that other people like to keep that stuff behind doors. I would rather my kids face hard stuff while they are in my house and have family there with them rather than dump them in the real world without any practice. That, and relationships. I’m huge on communication, and I feel like honesty is a large part of having healthy communication with another person. So we have a large, loud, honest, passionate household. It works for us!
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davidprosser said:
Like you Stevie I was never shielded from life. I didn’t get on with my sister so she took great pleasure in telling me about Father Christmas but I can”t remember it bothering me. I looked forward to one of my parents visiting the bedroom on Christmas Eve to put a stocking on my bed. I think I was asked, at about age 5, if I wanted to say goodbye to a (great) aunt who was going away and wouldn’t see again. I don’t think death was specifically mentioned, though it was never hidden.
I’m sure that facing the realities of life didn’t hurt me but I think they might have done if I’d been shielded until my teens.
xxx Massive Hugs xxx
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Stevie Turner said:
Absolutely. Sooner or later we have to face reality. As you say, it’s not good if you’ve been mollycoddled for too long.
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