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Here’s my entry for July’s Blog Battle contest. I said to one of my blogging friends a while ago that I could write a whole story in Cockney rhyming slang – and so here it is!
WALTER’S HOSPITAL STAY
I’ve been laid up with me chalfonts and I’ve had a lovely kip, but the jollop’s wearing off now I’m stable. I tried not to ‘ave a tin barf when the doc came round and had a butcher’s up there. Gawd – didn’t he want to be a train driver when he was a saucepan lid?
It’s like a pox doctor’s waiting room in here; everyone’s got a long face. I try and talk to the bubble in the bed opposite, but it’s like flogging a dead ‘orse. He hasn’t got many hampsteads, but he has huge plates of meat – must be size 12 or more. I think he’s wearing a syrup. The raspberry in the corner ended up brown bread in the night. I wonder when it’s my hopping pot?
All I want is some mungy – anything’ll do; taters, or saveloy and pease pudding. I couldn’t ‘arf go a bundle on a big plate of pie and mash – me stomach thinks me throat’s been cut. Nurse says it’s too soon after the old Mickey Finn.
The trouble and strife will be in at visiting time, and I might get a cup of char by then. Someone brought round the me and you earlier on, but I didn’t get a chance to fill it in before I was out of me noddle.
I’m a bit peezy on me pins when I get up, and the bubble looks a bit worried. I may be 82, but I’ve never been Tom Dick in me life. I give him a wave and he says something, but as I’m a bit mutton I just nod. He comes over and walks me to the khasi, but I would have gone on me Jack Jones. Nice chap. I ask him what he’s in for, and he points to his bottle; he’s had his chalfonts done – just like me!
He’s me old china by the time the trouble and strife comes in. I haven’t had time for a Chas and Dave, but she doesn’t care. She’s cream crackered after having to run up the frog for the bus. She brings in a cotchel of Ruby Murray, and I give some to the bubble. Nurse tells us off, but the old ruby never tasted so good.
Doc comes back and says I can go home. All in all, it ain’t been so bad after all. Mind you, the bottle’s a bit sore – perhaps I shouldn’t have had that Ruby Murray…
franklparker said:
I got quite a lot – my Mum was a Londoner after all. Although in our house the Apples and Pears was the Wooden Hill. Very funny – I wanted a “love” button rather than “Like”.
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Stevie Turner said:
Oh yes, I had the Wooden Hill to Bedfordshire too. My dad used to say that.
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dgkaye said:
I’m impressed! 🙂 x
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Stevie Turner said:
Did you understand it?
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dgkaye said:
Surprisingly, I did understand much of it. Before I was married, I lived with a Brit for 7 years – quite an education. Plus my bestie who moved to Kent 2 decades ago when she married a Brit has given me a wealth of education, lol. Just a few words stumped me in this, like the first sentence, lol. what’s a chalfont? LOL
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Stevie Turner said:
Haemorrhoids (Chalfont St. Giles – piles)!
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dgkaye said:
Lollllllllll, thank you!!! Now it makes more sense when we know the issue lol 🙂 x
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Stevie Turner said:
You’re welcome!
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bellabasket said:
Glad you solved that riddle I followed the rest of it.
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Stevie Turner said:
Can also be called ‘Farmer Giles’…
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dgkaye said:
Learn something new everyday! LOL 🙂
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Stevie Turner said:
And his ‘bottle’ is his bottle and glass – his arse.
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dgkaye said:
Lol brilliant! It was fun reading this story with your expertise in slang dialect lol
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Stevie Turner said:
And a ‘bubble’ is a person of Greek origin (bubble and squeak – which is a traditional East End meal on Boxing Day).
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dgkaye said:
Yes! I’m familiar with bubble and squeak, bangers and mash, blood pudding (yuck!), lol so much fun!
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Stevie Turner said:
I worked with an American doctor who had lived over here for some time. When she made a mistake and said ‘It’s all gone Pete Tong’, it sounded strange said in an American accent!
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dgkaye said:
Lol, I can well imagine. When my friend moved to UK and first came back here for visits, she developed (or often I accused her of using a fake one) some semblance of an English accent LOL. When she spoke like that I’d give her a friendly smack on the arm and tell her to stop speaking like a foreigner, lol. My fav first was the word ‘garage’. She pronounced ‘Gay- Raw- ge’ I told her to speak English, lmao. We pronounce it ‘Grrrr – aw – ge LOL
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Stevie Turner said:
The same doctor queued up with me in the canteen and asked for ‘tom-ar-to soup’. I told her she’d said ‘tom-ar-to’ instead of ‘tom-a-to’. She laughed and said she’d been over here too long!
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dgkaye said:
Lol, I get it. When I visited my friend there a few times, it was contagious to want to speak like a Brit 🙂
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Stevie Turner said:
You say ‘tom-a-to’. I say ‘tom-ar-to.’ ‘Tom-a-to, tom-ar-to… let’s call the whole thing off…
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dgkaye said:
Let’s! Lol 🙂 Pot -ay-to, pot – ot-o x
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Stevie Turner said:
I think it’s ‘black’ pudding (I wouldn’t eat it either!)?
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dgkaye said:
Yesssssssss! That’s it!!! 🙂
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aebranson said:
This puts me in mind of the poem about the Jaberwocky (did I spell that right? It’s been a while). Most of the words made no sense to me, yet by golly I was able to follow what was going on. Cute!
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Stevie Turner said:
Glad you don’t need a translation, lol.
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Gary said:
Now there’s a take the overseas entrants will find entirely bemused over! Top job Stevie. I would say done like a native, but the ladies already covered that one!
Brilliantly done indeed!
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Stevie Turner said:
Cor blimey Guv, cheers Gary!
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Gary said:
You’re welcome! But I’m seriously going to have to come back to see if anyone’s brave enough to comment asking “What the heck are you on about here?” 😂😂
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Stevie Turner said:
I’ll translate if anybody asks…
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jenanita01 said:
Brilliantly done and so amusing, Stevie. You speak cockney like a native!
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Stevie Turner said:
Ha, I am a native. The older generation of my family often spoke in rhyming slang, so I picked it up as a child.
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jenanita01 said:
Before reading your post, I would never have guessed…
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Stevie Turner said:
Lol. As an example, my grandparents always referred to stairs as ‘apples and pears’. It never occurred to me as a young kid to question why!
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robertawrites235681907 said:
Ha! I could follow this, Stevie, and knew a lot off the rhyming slang. I’m feeling quite pleased with myself [wink]
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Stevie Turner said:
Lol!
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